What Attachment Styles Tell Us About Bullying

When we talk about bullying, we tend to focus on the behavior itself. The name-calling. The exclusion. The aggression on the playground or in the group chat. But if we really want to understand where bullying comes from, and how to stop it at the root, we have to be willing to look a little deeper.

Attachment theory gives us a powerful lens for doing exactly that.

Bev Mitelman, certified relationship and attachment trauma practitioner and founder of Securely Loved, joined the DaliTalks Podcast this week to walk us through the four attachment styles and how they form in early childhood. And what she shared has everything to do with why some kids become bullies, why others become targets, and why so many children who struggle socially are not acting out of malice but out of fear.

The connection between attachment and behavior at school

A child who grows up with an anxious attachment style has a core wound rooted in the fear of abandonment. They learned early that love and attention are unpredictable, so they developed strategies to stay connected at all costs. At school, this can show up as extreme clinginess, constant bids for attention, emotional outbursts when they feel left out, and a deep vulnerability to being excluded or mocked by peers.

A child with a dismissive avoidant attachment style learned that emotional needs go unmet, so they stopped asking. They built walls. At school, this can look like coldness, an inability to empathize, and sometimes the kind of emotional detachment that allows a child to bully without appearing to feel any remorse.

 "Kids don't have the ability for critical thought. So oftentimes they don't even know why they're acting out, and it usually has more to do with something going on in the house." — Bev Mitelman

A child with fearful avoidant attachment, often formed in homes where the primary caregiver was also a source of harm, oscillates between wanting connection and pushing it away. At school, this inconsistency can make them a target for peers who see unpredictability as weakness, or it can lead to explosive social behavior that puts them in the role of the aggressor.

None of these children are choosing to suffer. They are following an emotional blueprint that was written for them before they had words for any of it.

What parents can do right now

The most important thing a parent can do is not to be perfect. It is to be present and consistent. Children need to know that when they come to you upset, you will respond. Not always with the right words. But with steadiness.

Here are a few places to start:

When your child acts out, get curious before you get reactive. Ask what is happening underneath the behavior, not just what the behavior is.

Teach emotional vocabulary early. Children who can name what they feel are less likely to act it out on others.

Model emotional regulation yourself. Your nervous system is your child's first classroom.

Have honest conversations. Bev shared that she sat down with her own adult son and asked him what she could have done differently. The answer surprised her and healed something in both of them.

If you notice your child struggling socially, whether they are being bullied or doing the bullying, consider exploring attachment styles as a starting point. It is not about blame. It is about understanding.

You can change this

Attachment styles are not permanent. The brain is as malleable as any muscle in the body. With the right awareness and support, children and adults alike can move toward more secure ways of connecting with the world.

That is the whole point of this work.

Listen to the full conversation with Bev Mitelman on Episode 118 of the DaliTalks Podcast. Take the free Attachment Quiz at securelyloved.com and find out where you land.

Listen or watch HERE
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