When Cutting Off Family Is the Healthiest Choice

Choosing Distance From Toxic Family Relationships During the Holidays

There is a quiet truth many people carry, especially during the holidays. Not everyone gathers with every branch of their family tree. Not everyone feels safe or loved in the spaces that are supposed to feel like home. And not everyone is willing to keep pretending.

Years ago, I made a decision that most people avoid at all costs. I chose to cut off certain family members. It was not impulsive. It was not based on pressure. It was not done out of anger. It was a decision that took years of wrestling, grieving, analyzing patterns, and asking myself what kind of life I wanted to create for my own children.

Whenever someone learns that I do not speak to my mother, the reaction is almost immediate. People apologize as if I am broken. They ask whether I have tried to make amends. They assume I have not forgiven her. They suggest that forgiveness is the missing key to my happiness, as if I am carrying unresolved resentment I have never addressed.

I know these responses are well intentioned. But they are insulting. People rarely pause to consider that a person can forgive and still choose to protect themselves. They do not think about the years of harm that may have led to this decision. They do not recognize that safety, peace, and well-being are sometimes more important than maintaining a connection that continuously wounds.

 I share this to remind you of something important during this season.

When someone tells you they are not spending the holidays with certain family members, there is a reason. It is rarely impulsive. It is rarely petty. It is rarely about anger. Most of the time, it is the result of years spent trying everything. Years of internal conflict. Years of mourning the relationship they wanted but never received. Years of trying to survive emotional exhaustion that others never saw.

By the time a person chooses estrangement, trust me, they have already cried, questioned, analyzed, and bargained with themselves. They have accepted that others may judge them. They have accepted that not everyone will understand. They have accepted that peace sometimes requires choosing themselves over tradition, expectations, or cultural pressure.

They have grieved the parent or family member they wished they could have. And yet they hold no regrets, because life on the other side is finally peaceful. Finally healthy. Finally quiet.

Their decision deserves respect, not judgment. This season, let us hold space for those who chose survival and healing over the illusion of family unity. Sometimes the bravest act of love is the love you give yourself.